My 30 Day Beer Diet

My 30 day beer diet did not work as planned. What was I thinking? 

A few years ago I had a situation when I worked for a bank in Phoenix. I sat at the computer all day, worked the phone and told people what to do...all from my desk. I had an office with a view of the City. The decision to quit smoking was a mistake. Without proper exercise I gained a lot of weight. Today I have a similar situation. I sit at the computer all day, I don't have a phone because the reception is terrible, I tell myself what to do and I have an office with a view of the jungle. I get very little exercise. I still smoke and I am gaining weight.

So I did some research on diets that would fit my lifestyle. I found so many diets out there that just didn't make sense to me and would not work. Then I found a recent article about an Iowa man who drank only beer for 40 days and nights with impressive results. HE DIDN'T DIE. I furthered my research and found more information on the topic. Beer is good for you. (kinda). The German Monks in the 16th. Century drank only Doppelbock during their fasting for Lent. It has 288 calories per 12 oz. bottle, so a dozen or more pints per day would give me more than enough calories to maintain my 160 lb. body, plus I found that beer has zero calories if no one sees you drinking it. Beer has plenty of yeast, B-complex vitamins plus vitamin C and Calcium.

Beer helps your vision. You can see that things are a lot more attractive after consuming a few pints. A clear case of a 2 at ten and a 10 at two. One article I read said that "beer drinking can lead to dependency so I should only drunk in moderation". It all made sense to me, so I decided to take the advice of the experts and follow a well balanced regimen of beer and exercise.The program is called the Get Ripped Weight Loss Diet. I really wanted my 6-pack stomach back. I was committed.

So the next thing to do was to decide what beer I wanted to drink. Budwater, Miller Slight and Your Coors were not on my list. I wanted beer with flavor and substance as my sustenance. I compiled a long list of beers from all over the Punaverse. There are so many of them and my list was long so I was able to make a schedule of what beers I wanted to drink for each day of the week. I started with some local beers like Longboard, Pipeline and Big Swell and it wasn't long before I started feeling a bit lightheaded from the lack of food, so I started drinking a bit more hearty beers with funny names like beers from Utah called Monkshine and Wasatch Polygamy beer...you can't have just one! Isn't that sorta like being a serial monogamist?

After a few days of my master plan in action, my Irish roommate joined me and we shared some Kilt Lifter, Druid Fluid and his fave: McGuire's "I'll have What The Gentleman On The Floor Is Having" Barley Wine. He really got into the Moose Drool from Montana. The list of beers went on and on and so did I....a little too much perhaps. Next to taste was Flying Dog In Heat Wheat beer and Santa's Butt Porter. Don't go there! Things got even more serious when my roommates got ticked when I was in the cups with Mickey's Bigmouth and Popoff and Dropoff's Russian Imperial brew. Pau hana Fridays came and went in a blur. I couldn't work if I tried. There were times I couldn't work the bottle opener.

When Sunday came up I was feeling a bit guilty about getting carried away, and that's what my roommate's wanted: that someone would come over and carry me away... far and away! The situation by this time had gotten a bit heated. I think it was the Hell For Certain brew that took me to a new low. So I decided to slow it down a bit, so my Sunday imbibing consisted of a very moderately heavy consumption of Ale Mary and HE'BREW Genesis Ale...just to make sure I had my spiritual bases covered.  click READ MORE for Page 2 and Video

By the end of my 30 day diet plan things had come together for me AND my roommies. During the last days of my diet we worked on drinking what was left of my worldly beer collection, saving cool labels and taking photos of our favorites. In the last evenings we would spend our time sitting and enjoying the best of the best Canadian brew named La Fin Du Monde, (end of the world), and wound up singing the R.E.M. song: It's The End Of The World As We Know It, AND I FEEL FINE! My Get Ripped In 30 Days Diet finally ended on May 21st. 2011.

Now I'm not going to say too much about the exercise part of this program at this point. I probably have said too much already. TMI, but I feel that the story would not be complete without saying something about my exercise regimen which was an essential part of my Get Ripped in 30 Days beer diet. Sports for us in this house is the number one thing to do. We truly believe in being involved in sports. It is part of our male DNA. One of my roommies is a High School Coach, and he knows a lot about sports. Whether it's basketball,  baseball, football or whatever, we are involved in some kind of sports daily. It gets our blood pumping. The big screen and the Dish TV service are key to our sports activities. I get a lot of exercise while involved with our sports.  I will save the details for a future post called Getting Proper Exercise coming to a couch near you.

I didn't loose weight as I had planned but I did loose some other things: like my car keys, the sense of where I was, (more than once I had to sneak out of the house and find my way home), my memory....I know I had a great time 'cause I don't remember much. I took notes.

So now that the great beer diet fiasco is over, things around here have settled down. The smoke has cleared and so has my head.  I am working hard again on some things that are very important: like this blog, the website and my relationships. My girlfriend just started talking to me again and this is good except that she is using words and sign language in reference to me that I cannot use in this "R" rated story.Was it something I drank? My roomies are back to their regular schedules and they seem happy about that too.
I am feeling much better about myself and I have some new clothes...one size larger.

There are some things that didn't change at all. I have been sitting here at the computer all day and I still don't have a phone. I tell myself gotta do this, do that. And I still have an office with a view of the jungle.

I think I'll have a beer.

The following Youtube video bears the point of this story.

collegehumor.com/video/2945491/beer-diet

Notes:

I would only recommend this diet for the stout of heart...it is not for lightweights. Consult your doctor AND your significant other before attempting this diet. 

Things that I have learned: 

A beer diet is not cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Folks, please don't take this story serious. Parts of this story are true. The diet part of this story is TOTALLY FICTION. I don't want anyone to think any worse of me than they already do. As far as this diet is concerned, I don't think it would work. I could NEVER afford all that beer.

J.Osprey